Eyes Wide Open

Yesterday is another day that I would like to dismiss as ever existing.

My son had not taken his meds for two consecutive days.  The half life of Zyprexa is 24 to 51 hours (odd range).  I don’t know if that contributed to the following events, but I am sure it didn’t help.  Everything always goes back to the girlfriend though.  She broke up with him yesterday because she said he is a bad long-distance boyfriend.  That is utter crap!  He showers her with gifts bought with money has really doesn’t have.  They are in constant contact.  And I mean 24/7 constant contact.  They even have the phone line open when they are asleep!  They watch movies together online, play video games, talk, snapchat…all f’n day!  (It is ridiculous by the way!)  Anyway, I already wrote about how he wants to move there.  Well, I told him that I cannot move, but I would help him if he wanted to. Well, she told him that he could not move up there by himself because he is just a child and cannot take care of himself.  He told her he could learn (and he should).  She said he couldn’t.  (She is being very mean).  Anyway, long story short, supposedly she broke up with him.  Then, he blamed me because I won’t pack up tomorrow and move my life far away for him so I ruined everything.  He became scarily suicidal.  I was on the phone with the Suicide Hotline for 90 minutes.  They were truly a blessing (for a change).  See, he was not home all day.  He was just out driving around.  He started texting me some dangerous and horrible stuff and they actually helped me with some replies, gave me some sound advice in some instances, and basically listened to me spill my guts.

During that time I stupidly decided that my ex needed to step in (or, step up) and help (Why did I think this?  I will chalk it up to me not thinking very clearly in my panicked state.)  We arranged to meet last night.  I was planning to tell him that his son needed him because he was going through a lot.  And if he wanted to reclaim a relationship with his son that this would be the perfect time to reach out.  Nope…as usual, leopards do NOT change their spots.  He steered the conversation to him every single time.  He was also very preoccupied with his plans he had for after our meeting.  I learned all about how his rent is just too expensive but he bought another new motorcycle and a four-wheeler.  When I tried to explain some of the day’s events with my son, he just said, “Take away his keys.”  So, as usual, he is useless.  I gave up and didn’t even bother asking what I originally intended.  We parted ways after I paid the bill, of course.

Never again.  Eyes are wide open.  The conversation I had with him is just further confirmation that I have been making all of the right decisions for me and my son.

I have the GPS tracker turned on in my son’s car now and I will be alerted every time it leaves and arrives at the house.  Also, I have a case reference number with Onstar for their immediate intervention if ever he is driving and suicidal again.  I have the Suicide Hotline number programmed into my phone.  Now, I just need to get my son’s eyes wide open such that he can see his girlfriend for who she really is.  How?  I don’t know yet.  It seems like an impossible task because he clearly knows that she is wrong (we have talked about it), but he also thinks that there is no one else in this world for him.  Please pray for a better day for us!

ANGRY AF Follow-Up

The ex texts me this morning to tell me he was kidding last night about the new car.

What a f’n asshat!

Stressed Out Part 3

Son is off the meds again – gah, bipolar go away!

Ex has zero clue why my son won’t talk to him.  Are you f’n kidding me!?!?  I swear, narcissists live in their own world!  He said he was not going to get him anything for Christmas since he was not talking to him.  I said fine.  My son doesn’t want anything from him anyway.  But then he wines, “But he is my baby boy and I love him.  I wish he knew that.”  For pete sake, man, get af’n clue!  On 3-17-18 my son texted his dad to ask when he would be home.  His dad replied, “I am your father and I can do what I want, when I want, and with who I want.  You are not the boss of me.”  This is after night after night after night of him not coming home (probably because he was cheating on me) and always choosing his friends over his family.  So uh, yeah, duh!

The rescue ladies I have been working with are driving me batty!  Everything goes straight to worst case scenario, they think I don’t know anything, and they are being hurtful and judgemental.  After I get these few adopted, I may opt to work with a different organization.

I traveled this week for nothing.  Work blew up in my face and a project of mine died a slow death.  So hear I sit in my hotel room away from my son and dogs for nothing 😦

I know this post was all over the place, but I needed to get some things off my chest.  Thank you for reading.  Have a great day!

 

Big Night

I have a big night ahead and I don’t want my brain to ruin it.

I am attending a college fair with my son.

My stbx has texted stupid shit, coincidentally, and so has my ex step daughter.  I want to erase these things from my mind so I can go move on.

Please be with me.

The Last Of His Stuff

So, stbx texted to ask if he could stop by and pick up the last of his stuff.  I said yes; I want it out!

So, he texts that he is on the way.  My son (out of school for the hurricane) abandons to his room.  I am upstairs in my office because I have no idea how long it will take him to get here and it’s not like I am going to just sit around for him waiting to show.

I hear the door bell.  I depart my office immediately (second floor mind you).  On my way down he rings the doorbell again and then a second later bangs on the door.  Seriously??  Have some f’n patience!  I open the door and tell him that I was coming, but I was up in the office.  He says, “Oh.”  Good Lord!

Anyway, he walks in and he is limping.  I ask him what is wrong.  Apparently he was hit while on his motorcycle.  I am not surprised.  He always drove reckless and does not wear a helmet!  I asked if he went to the hospital and he said no.  I asked if they stopped and he said no.  I was going to ask if he filed a police report and some other things, but I stopped myself right there….a) I am not dealing with a rational individual, b) he probably had been drinking, and c) he probably would not have known what to do without asking me first (I am glad I did not get that call by the way).

He hands me his measly monthly check to pay for his portion of the cell phone and his insurance.  Yes, this is all he offers me money for.  He moved out in July and this is only the second check I have EVER received from him (even from the first divorce – wow, that is a story for another day!) and I put it aside.  Mind you, he is wearing new Columbia boots (not cheap) and a new shirt…

I open up the garage for him so he can get his golf clubs and some hunting thingamajig.  The golf clubs and bag have spider nests, cobwebs, dirt, and leaves all over it (he probably used them once 5 years ago).  He says he can’t put it in his truck like that.  So I get the whisk broom and tend to it because I want them out of my garage.  And he seriously stands there for 10 minutes while I clean off HIS golf clubs and bag.  He just watched me work like he has the last 20 years.  I was boiling on the inside!  When I finish, he limps them out to his truck.  I see inside to the backseat and he still has all of the other stuff that he took from the house weeks ago still in there.  Now, I am just laughing on the inside.  Typical … lazy … LOL … as I have blogged before, leopards do not change their spots.

So, I am feeling pretty good that after this yard sale on Saturday, his stuff should all be purged from my house.  Then, the healing can continue.  Hopefully, he will stay pay me monthly for the cell phone and the insurance until we separate those.  And he will be off of my healthcare plan on January 1, 2019, so I am looking forward to that.

Thank you for reading.  Hugs!

Yard Sale

What has been happening today has been more symbolic than emotional.  I surprised myself.  Next weekend is the bi-annual yard sale in my neighborhood.  I usually never participate because it is anxiety inducing in so many ways.  This time, I decided to do it so I can purge myself of all of the items stbx left behind.  I am digging through all of the closets, boxes, nooks and crannies to rid myself of stuff.  I am getting ridding of things that he gave me too.  How much do you want to bet that he wants the profits from the sale of his items?  Granted, there are expensive items in his stash, but I don’t think he is entitled to anything. I guess I will see what happens because he knows I am having it because I told him to take everything or else.

Anyway, this is a short post, I guess, but I just wanted to write that the yard sale is more symbolic of the purging of that unhealthy relationship.  It is more than just stuff.  I thought I would be sad, but I am not.  I am doing ok.

Thank you for reading.  I hope you all are having a good weekend.  Cheers!

Emotional Baggage

I have been thinking about this since I wrote my Soulmates blog the other day.  At my age, everyone has emotional baggage (EB).  I started this blog to remind myself that my whole is not equal to the sum of my parts.  So, my EB just makes up certain parts of me; it does not need to define who I am.

One thing I know I am no longer carrying any EB for is any feelings for my stbx.  That is freeing!  He has made me realize what I want out of a relationship.  Not that I will ever necessarily find Mr. Perfect, but I really thought I was going to give up, thrown in the towel.  Now I don’t think I will.

I think I have been over him for at least eleven years.  I have been over how he treated me and how he treated our son.  I am over how he treated other people.  I want to be someone’s treasure not someone’s trash.  He never supported me physically nor emotionally (or even financially).  That’s what you do when you love someone.  Not because you have to, but because you want to.

Now, do I have a fear of losing people close to me since my first husband died?  Yes, but that just makes me more loving and compassionate and to know not to take life for granted.  Do I shudder when I hear about abuse or when someone is hurt?  Yes, but that makes me more empathetic and caring, kind and gentle.  Do I have a fear of being cheated on again?  Yes, but that makes me more passionate and attentive.

So, EB be damned…I am not broken.  I am strong.  So are you!

Filing For The Big “D”

Stbx wants this over now.  He says he wants to be done and to quit having hope.  I do not know why he has hope.  I think he lives in la-la land.  Where I live, a no-fault divorce requires a one-year separation.  He wants me to lie about our separation date.  I do not like this.  What if the judge asks for proof?

My current plan is to wait until January 21, 2019 to file.  I am filing my own paperwork through the court.  By then, my son will be 18 so I don’t have to worry about needing a Guardian Ad Litem and stbx won’t have to worry about the child support he won’t pay.  I don’t anticipate, at this point, that he will give me any grief (keep your fingers crossed).

My son is not thrilled about this plan as he wants it to be over too.  I get it; I do, but filing now over-complicates an already terrible situation.  I think he understands now.  But he too wants me to lie about he separation date to make it final asap when I do file.

He has been having a lot of nightmares that involve his dad. I think that he thinks when the divorce is final they will end.  I don’t have the heart to tell him that this is a long-term issue best solved in therapy and it is not a switch he can turn off.

I don’t think I should lie, but I want to help my son feel better.  Do you think I should lie? What is your opinion?

Thank you for reading 🙂  Hugs to all!

 

Am I Wrong?

I have two friends that tried to impart their opinions on me because they think I am wrong.   They think that I should tell my stbx about my son’s diagnosis and current issues.  Hell will have frozen over first!

They think he has a right to know.  I agree with them on that point fundamentally, but when you couple in all of stbx’s own issues and the lack of any relationship between he and son, the answer is a big fat HELL NO.  He would make everything worse.  He already has told me in the past that our son’s “issues” are all my fault.  He says I babied him and let him get away with too much.  His problems are not behavioral numnuts, they are a result of a mental illness!  He will tell me I gave our son Bipolar.   Yes, he is that dumb.

What bothers me the most is that they know how stbx is.  I have told them most everything over the years.  And I have known them for 16 and 10 years!  And they still think I should tell him.  Infuriating.

Most importantly, my son does not want him to know.  He wants nothing to do with his dad.  His dad is toxic.  His dad is the one responsible for all of his childhood traumas which are part of the Bipolar Disorder (other than genetics).  Oh, I could tell you stories that would make your heads spin like in The Exorcist!

Also, his dad has never once made a single decision in his son’s life.  That was his choice when he lived here.  Now that he is gone I am making the choice for him.  It’s not like he ever even asks about him.

If I had a stable person for a stbx, I would of course keep him in the loop about everything with our son, but that is not our situation.  He was never involved when he lived here let alone now.

So, I told my friends that I am not telling him.  They haven’t bothered me about it again, but I needed to get this rant out so I could move on.

If you made it to the end, thank you for reading 🙂

Lyrics – Part 3

Ho hum… Part 1 is here and part 2 is here if you need to catch up.

So, I could not take it anymore and I texted stbx again after my “I am really concerned. Are you contemplating suicide?” text from 12 hours earlier went unanswered.

I texted him saying if he didn’t answer me that I was calling someone.  He replies 1 minute later…yes, ONE F’NG MINUTE later after 12 f’ng hours have gone by!  What an inconsiderate prick!  Well, I already knew that.  Anyway, he replied, “I’m fine.”  No one who is fine ever says, “I’m fine.”  That’s just code for, “I am not fine, but I don’t want to talk about it.”  Which is fine (pun intended), I should not be his sounding board anyway.

At this point I think I am going to leave it alone.  But, I know how he is and this suicide thing is not over.  He will get drunk again in the near future and resume the texting.  So stay tuned for chapter 4 soon.  Grrrrrrrrrrr