Lyrics – Part 2

This is a continuation from yesterday’s blog Lyrics.  So, if you have not read that, you may want to so that this one makes sense.

I decided to text him back and try one more time to see if he is really contemplating suicide.  He actually replied to me for a change.

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Me:  They are really sad. (re: the lyrics of the song)

Him:  Yeah. It’s my life.

Me:  It doesn’t have to be.

Him:  How do you figure. You want a divorce. You wanted me to leave. So that pretty much puts me in that situation.

Him:  I am so tired

Me:  What do you mean?

Him:  Wanted you to know that I still love you and always will. You have always been the love of my life. Since C (son) won’t talk to me, please make sure he knows I love him and I’m sorry.

Me:  He knows.

Him:  Please don’t worry about me anymore.

Me:  I always will.

Him:  Don’t bother yourself anymore.

Me:  Will you please stop that?

Him:  It will be in your best interest and easier.

Me:  I am really concerned.  Are you contemplating suicide?

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And nothing after that.  

First, I didn’t put him in this situation.  He put himself in this situation.

Second, he has never been good at finding the words to communicate how he feels.  I remembered last night that he told me to read the lyrics to Buckcherry’s “I’m Sorry” back when he was cheating on me the first time (2006-2007).  So, I am finding yesterday’s song a little cliché.

Third, I am glad that I did not take the bait.  The old me would have taken his text about loving me and turned it into a, “Well, if you loved me then you wouldn’t have <insert a multitude of choices here>.”  Actually, the old me would have taken a couple of those texts and turned it down a non-productive path.  I guess I am trying to let go of the anger.  My life is better without him in the house.  My son’s life is better too.  I am sorry his is not, but he has made his choices and now he has to live (or not – I don’t want to think about that) with the consequences.

Fourth, I do not think that I am the right person to help him even though I want to be.  [By the way, I want to be because that is just my nature.  I am a fixer and want to help/save everyone.]  I have decided to reach out to a friend and colleague of his through facebook if he does not reply to my question today.  I know this person and I think he will be compassionate; his girlfriend too.  This could make stbx mad, but I am ok with that.  I really want him to get help.

Send prayers, please.  This is a very volatile and scary situation.  Thank you.

Lyrics

I am afraid that my stbx is coming more unglued than normal.  He just texted me to look up the lyrics to a song.  I am not sure what to think about it.  On one hand he could be trying to guilt me into getting back together (which I won’t) and on the other hand this could yet be another cry for help (thus relating to the aforementioned ‘rabbit hole’ and ‘needing someone to talk to’ texts I have recently blogged about).

So what do I do about it?  Should I message one of his friends via facebook?  Should I text his mother (knowing that will bring much unneeded hell down on me)?  Should I do nothing?  Should I keep my distance?  Should I ask him to meet up so he can talk?  Should I tell him he needs to seek help (which he won’t)?  No matter what has happened between us I don’t want him to end his life.  Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary situation.

For now, I replied that the lyrics were very sad.  I likely won’t get a reply.  Any help would be appreciated.

Here is the song and its lyrics (to which neither I own):

Child Support

I have never asked for it… neither time my child was entitled… am I wrong?  I am trying to keep the peace.  For him, it is all about money (as in, he craves it).  For me, not so much.  I am fortunate enough to be financially sound (for the most part) and I am protective of my 401K.  I have worked very hard for it and I worry that if I ask him for child support (yes, I know that technically my son is entitled) that he will then want half of my 401K.  And I don’t think that is fair.  I have not left him destitute.  He too is financially independent.  Although he does not make rational spending decisions.  He has enough surplus to go on repeated shopping binges.  But that is not my fault, right?

I have supported the household in every way since the beginning.  And he has never financially contributed.  My money was ours and his money was his.

I guess part of me also feels a sense of pride in being able to be financially independent.  And another part of me does not want anything at all from him – monetarily, physically, or emotionally (I mean, it was never given anyway, right?).

His other child (the one he had when he cheated on me) collects child support.  Should I be mad?  In a way I feel bad for my son, but on the hand, he has everything he needs and most of what he wants.  My son doesn’t want anything from his father either.

My mother disagrees with my decision so I guess I am throwing it out to the WordPress universe to gather your opinions on the matter.

As always, thank you for taking the time to read my rantings.  Hugs to all!

Leopards Don’t Change Their Spots

Today, stbx informed me that one person he was close to recently died and another is in surgery (both as a result of motorcycle accidents).  The story evolved such that the one who died had their spine was snapped in half.  Tragic and horrible ending.  I feel sympathy for his friends and their families.  But, interestingly I didn’t know he was close to anyone.  He prides himself on NOT being close to anyone.  He says he does not need friendships in his life.  I always called bull because he is continuously seeking validation <insert narcissist here>.

We have been separated now for about 7 weeks.  Can one have this close of a friendship in that time?  When you are him, the answer is definitely no.  Either he was seeking my sympathy for some reason or he cannot be honest with himself.

Anyway, the conversation evolved so much that I learned the person who died was a female.  I have never heard of her.  Was I that much a stranger in his life?  Apparently so. Or maybe they had even been dating.  I did some research and figured out who she was.  A 29 year-old woman, biker chick, prospect of an MC, no husband or kids, t-boned while on her motorcycle, and dead.  He is mourning her.  Don’t get me wrong, I feel bad for her family, but I have never known him, in 20 years, to mourn for anyone.

The other that is in surgery… he has no idea what surgery, but says he is close with this guy too.  He says he is going to the hospital after work.  Mind you… I have had to drive myself to the emergency room before and he didn’t even visit his own daughter during her three hospital stays.  Not once.  I feel like my stbx was living this double life.  I don’t know which life was the right one.  I think it is best that he is there and I am here.  I can’t see my future any other way.

Further, apparently, he was “hanging out” with both before they died.  So, I guess he feels “jinxed”.  But, I am sure, that even this tragedies will not motivate him to wear a helmet on his motorcycle?  Leopards don’t change their spots.

 

 

Communication (or lack thereof)

This is probably the number one thing my marriage did not have.  Not for lack of my trying in the early years, but I guess I kind of became accustomed to not having any.  It takes two…  Sad, right?  Ugh

I am the kind of person who likes to talk.  My stbx is “the silent type”.  I still think you need to find some common ground for communicating though.  It got so bad near the end that I could go weeks without interaction.  And even worse, it no longer made me sad.  I had grown weary and I stopped trying.

Sometimes I ponder “what if I tried harder?”  But maybe we just weren’t compatible.  In two decades we never figured out how to find that common ground.  Not the spoken or the unspoken types.  There were few words, gestures, or facial expressions for years.

He would never hold my hand.  And when I say never I mean not once.  I remember when we were first dating. We were at a shopping mall and I reached out for his hand.  He shrugged off my hand and said that hand-holding was dumb.  Hmm…might be another red flag I missed?

He never asked me about my day.  He never asked me about my interests.  He never asked me about anything at all.  He was always happy to talk about himself though.  He was always eager to brag about the amazing things he had done.  He was always talking about how wonderful he is.  Maybe he was trying to convince himself?  I think most of his stories were figments of his imagination!  I do know now that I spent too many years of my life trying to figure him out.  In the end, I was/am alone.  And I am okay with that.

This must have taken a toll on my son though.  I hope he understands the importance of communication as he gets older.  I make sure to tell him that communication is important in a healthy relationship.  And yes, some times it can be difficult and that’s ok.

Thank you for reading; I really needed to get that off of my chest today!

 

My Heart Is Sad

I write today with a sad heart.  I am trying to keep busy, but I am bearing the burdens of two decades of sadness.  See, I married Mr. Narcissistic Lazy Bones.  Even when he had good days the only things he did inside or outside of the house were for himself.  This has taken more of a toll on me that I imagined.

Today, I was doing all the yard work; mowing, weeding, trimming, etc.  I have done this alone since 1995 so it should be nothing new to me, right? Well, my problem is that now, every time I mow and such I am reminded of how alone in the marriage I was.  I hope that in time these feelings will fade, but in the moment it does make my heart sad.  I always had felt that if he would have loved me enough, or if I had been a better wife, he would have been happy to help me do household things.  I think now that he just did not have it in him to think of anyone but himself.

I remember back in 2007 we tried marriage counseling.  After the first session, we were given homework. We were supposed to read “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman and then rank our languages in order.  It was no surprise that my top one was Acts of Service (his was Words of Affirmation).  But he scoffed at the idea of having homework.  This should have been yet another red flag, right?  If he couldn’t put any effort into the marriage, how would it survive…  Well, obviously, you know how this has turned out.

He refused to go back to the counselor and that was that.  I still have the homework somewhere. I think maybe I should get rid of it.  I need to learn how to free myself from these burdens I bear.  I need to learn how to heal from the inside so I can love myself again and be worthy of love.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blogs as I work through my internal struggles.  Peace and love.

Narcissism

This is often a contemplation:  how can a narcissist be a good parent?

So much time is lost inventing and re-inventing their persona and embellishing stories trying to make themselves sound much better than they are.  Of course, if you are 5, I am sure your parent would sound amazing.  But what about as the child ages; what happens when they see the truth? And how does the spouse handle this not having realized that their partner was a narcissist prior to the marriage?  I have been unable to answer either of these questions.

In my situation, narcissism commonly results in many spending sprees on oneself.  A measly amount of money of his goes to the care of our child or the household.  Even less emotional support is provided, if you can imagine.  I fail to understand how anyone, disorder or not, can be alright with this.