The Sum of My Parts…Are Not Equal to My Whole

I have been beaten, used, abused, lied to, cheated on, and tossed to the side.  But, this does not need to define my existence.

The emotional scars the past has left on my soul often do their best to weaken my spirit.  Some days it is difficult to remain steadfast.  Other days are filled with joy and promise of new beginnings.

This blog is intended to be a cathartic journey and serve as a reminder to myself that the sum of my parts are not equal to my whole.

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I Am Sorry

Life has been just about impossible lately….

Son got his first ticket for speeding.  Good!

Son now thinks he is a Sociopath.  Not good!

I attended the funerals of two close friends this past weekend.  Not good!

Ex has asked me to go on two trips with him (WTF).  Not good!

I am angry and am grieving for my son all over again.  Not good!

I just have not had the energy to blog and I have not been reading blogs either.  I am so sorry that I have not been a faithful blogger or reader.  I am so emotionally spent right now.

Thank you for your patience during this most difficult time.

XO

Dead Inside

I am suffocating.  I have no more emotional energy.  I don’t know how I am still surviving.  I can’t write, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, and most times I feel like I can’t breathe.

The feeling when you are 500 miles away from home and your son is being self-destructive, angry, anxious, depressed, suicidal, and non-communicative.  I have no words for these moments.

The wild driving continues.  People are now commenting on our neighborhood facebook page every few days about it.  I am the HOA President.  People are judgy and angry.  There are too many stigmas over mental health.  But he is dangerous and I GET IT!

I don’t know what to do.  I am helpless to this.  I pray for guidance every single day.  Nothing has come my way yet.  Praying.  Hoping.  Losing faith.

Dead inside.

Suicide Watch

I spent last night, once again, on suicide watch (my son).  Two Saturdays in a row now.  I am thankful that both times he has returned home safe.  This is super nerve-wracking on me though!  Both times have been about the girlfriend.  Both times are situational.  These two are so scarily co-dependent!  I have never seen anything so tragic and I have no idea what to do about it.  At least night was only a two-hour ordeal instead of six like last weekend.  And, I had more piece of mind because I could keep live tabs on him through his car’s GPS that I activated last week.

Please continue to send prayers.

Urgent Plea: Anti Animal Abuse

I have a situation, locally, and would appreciate your support if you are willing.  There is a sweet Pug that is in a bad situation.  He was cornered and bit a child.  The male owner hit the dog repeatedly and kicked him down the stairs.  The Pug is at the shelter now and is scheduled to be returned to the owners tomorrow.  THIS IS NOT OK!  The wife is in denial.

Would you be willing to help sign our petition?  We need at least 500 signers.

Please also feel free to share if you are willing.

Thank you!

Link to petition:  Anti Animal Abuse

Bipolar and Driving

I have no idea if this is common due to the impulsive nature of people with bipolar or if this is just teenage boy stuff, but omg, I cannot be in the car when my son is driving.  And yes, I have lectured him over and over, but nothing changes.  It is truly a harrowing experience!

He drives reckless:

  • way too fast (not just like 5 mph over)
  • tailgates
  • rides the right side of the road
  • listens to music so loud he would never hear an emergency vehicle
  • brakes late (and hard because of it)
  • and the worst is that he TEXTS!

All of this worries me every single time he takes off for the road, which is much too often (hours every day).  He says that driving calms him.  He says that he is more than capable of texting while driving (he is not!).

And yet he is a rule stickler in other ways… always uses turn signals, always stops when signs say to, won’t cut through parking lots, and a couple others.  I just don’t get it.

He knows I can’t take his car away.  And he tells me that he is surprised he has not been in an accident or gotten a ticket!  W T F!  I am seriously terrified for him!

Any tips or info from bipolar people out there?  They sure would be appreciated!

Eyes Wide Open

Yesterday is another day that I would like to dismiss as ever existing.

My son had not taken his meds for two consecutive days.  The half life of Zyprexa is 24 to 51 hours (odd range).  I don’t know if that contributed to the following events, but I am sure it didn’t help.  Everything always goes back to the girlfriend though.  She broke up with him yesterday because she said he is a bad long-distance boyfriend.  That is utter crap!  He showers her with gifts bought with money has really doesn’t have.  They are in constant contact.  And I mean 24/7 constant contact.  They even have the phone line open when they are asleep!  They watch movies together online, play video games, talk, snapchat…all f’n day!  (It is ridiculous by the way!)  Anyway, I already wrote about how he wants to move there.  Well, I told him that I cannot move, but I would help him if he wanted to. Well, she told him that he could not move up there by himself because he is just a child and cannot take care of himself.  He told her he could learn (and he should).  She said he couldn’t.  (She is being very mean).  Anyway, long story short, supposedly she broke up with him.  Then, he blamed me because I won’t pack up tomorrow and move my life far away for him so I ruined everything.  He became scarily suicidal.  I was on the phone with the Suicide Hotline for 90 minutes.  They were truly a blessing (for a change).  See, he was not home all day.  He was just out driving around.  He started texting me some dangerous and horrible stuff and they actually helped me with some replies, gave me some sound advice in some instances, and basically listened to me spill my guts.

During that time I stupidly decided that my ex needed to step in (or, step up) and help (Why did I think this?  I will chalk it up to me not thinking very clearly in my panicked state.)  We arranged to meet last night.  I was planning to tell him that his son needed him because he was going through a lot.  And if he wanted to reclaim a relationship with his son that this would be the perfect time to reach out.  Nope…as usual, leopards do NOT change their spots.  He steered the conversation to him every single time.  He was also very preoccupied with his plans he had for after our meeting.  I learned all about how his rent is just too expensive but he bought another new motorcycle and a four-wheeler.  When I tried to explain some of the day’s events with my son, he just said, “Take away his keys.”  So, as usual, he is useless.  I gave up and didn’t even bother asking what I originally intended.  We parted ways after I paid the bill, of course.

Never again.  Eyes are wide open.  The conversation I had with him is just further confirmation that I have been making all of the right decisions for me and my son.

I have the GPS tracker turned on in my son’s car now and I will be alerted every time it leaves and arrives at the house.  Also, I have a case reference number with Onstar for their immediate intervention if ever he is driving and suicidal again.  I have the Suicide Hotline number programmed into my phone.  Now, I just need to get my son’s eyes wide open such that he can see his girlfriend for who she really is.  How?  I don’t know yet.  It seems like an impossible task because he clearly knows that she is wrong (we have talked about it), but he also thinks that there is no one else in this world for him.  Please pray for a better day for us!

Lies

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We have all done it, I am sure.  I know I have.  My son is learning.  He and his girlfriend have weaved one of the biggest webs I have ever seen.  And I am basing this off of what I know.  I am sure there is more that I don’t know.  I hope I know more than I don’t.

But here is the thing… it is eating away at him, but he doesn’t realize it.  It is manifesting itself with physical symptoms (gastro issues) now.  I have been slowly trying to talk to him about it…trying to make him see.  He finally said he is willing to come clean with his therapist and try to get some real help.  He has an appointment on Tuesday.  Time will tell.  I think it is going to take several attempts on his part to “come clean”.

This doesn’t change the fact that tonight we are going to discuss his exit plan from here to be with his girlfriend.  This is not something I am looking forward to as you can imagine.  Anticipate more blogs regarding lol!  Ya’ll are my sounding board for the shitstorm that is my life!

Thank you for reading!

Mistakes

We all have made them, right?

My son is about to make, what I feel, is a terrible one.  There is no stopping him though.  In a way, I understand it, but on the other hand I am beyond devastated.

He wants to run away to be with his girlfriend because he said he cannot be happy nor live without being physically near her.  He said he cannot wait to finish high school.  If I don’t help him, then I know he is gone and I may not hear from him again.  If I do help, then I feel like I am enabling a terrible decision.  Either way I am going to be left beyond heartbroken.

If it had been me, in his situation, at his age (18), with a mental illness, feeling the way he does, I would have never even talked to my parents about it.  I would have been gone without a second thought.  I too would have been selfish.

He is my only child, my baby.  I know this does not matter to him.  I keep asking him to talk in person to work on details to do this “the right way” (if there is such a thing).  He wants to text.  Ugh.  I am not good at texting.  But I guess I will take communication any way I can get it, right?

Last night he was so distraught that he told me he was going to kill himself.  I was 3 states away.  I was helpless.  I texted what I thought could help.  I was ready to dial 911.  An hour or so later, he returned to asking me if I could get him a replacement charger.  Ugh, I am so confused.  Today, he is back to wanting to kill himself if he can’t be with her.

I am desperately praying for guidance.  If you would, can you please say a prayer for us?

When The Ex Wants You Back (Or Doesn’t)

I am quite shocked that my ex has literally done nothing to try to win me back (I am very glad for this by the way).  I think he finally knows that I meant it when I asked him to leave last May.  Normally, he would want to incessantly call or text me asking dumb questions; anything to get my attention or sympathy.  This time, he hasn’t.  Maybe the difference this time is me.  I think he can sense that I can no longer be manipulated.  It has been seven months since he has moved out.  I am feeling stronger and healthier every day.  I am finally taking care of ME again after too long of a hiatus.  So, GO ME!

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