The Sum of My Parts…Are Not Equal to My Whole

I have been beaten, used, abused, lied to, cheated on, and tossed to the side.  But, this does not need to define my existence.

The emotional scars the past has left on my soul often do their best to weaken my spirit.  Some days it is difficult to remain steadfast.  Other days are filled with joy and promise of new beginnings.

This blog is intended to be a cathartic journey and serve as a reminder to myself that the sum of my parts are not equal to my whole.

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Featured post

Turkey Day

Holidays just plain suck for me.

From the time that I was born until I was married, every holiday was spent with my mother’s side of the family either at my house or my aunts.  I hated them ever since I could remember.  I have 10 cousins.  All of them are awful except for one.  We have zip in common.  Some are mean and downright hateful.  Others are bigots.  Yet I am considered the black sheep on my mother’s side of the family (blog for another day).  The kids were always separated from the adults for the day because there were just too many of us to fit in any one place.  No one was ever on my side.  I was just told to suck it up, that it is only one day, yada yada yada.  As I grew older, I had to help set up and clean up.  But only the girls helped.  Why is that?

Fast forward to holidays as a married person.  I am an only child and so is my ex.  His family never did holidays and our two families did not get along (imagine that).  So, if possible, they were always spent with my parents (at least the big ones).  My mother and ex do/did not get along (again, imagine that).  So the holidays were nothing but stressful for me.  Plus, the ex always ruined them one way or another.  He was always sick, drunk, hungover, fake, or mean.

Now, I embark on my first major holiday “alone”.  My parents are coming to my house so it will just be the four of us.  I am already stressed.  My mother, all by herself, does this to me.  Ugh.

And now, I am feeling bad for the ex.  Don’t tell me I am being an idiot because I already know that I am.  He texted Sunday asking what places will cater a Thanksgiving dinner.  First of all, how would I know?  Wouldn’t it be better to google this?  But he can’t figure out how to do anything because I always took care of everything.  Anyway… I happened to be at a meeting and asked the group if they knew.  They gave me some names and I texted him a reply.  He continued to go on and on about how he is not celebrating, but he wanted a nice meal since he no longer has those anymore.  See, he knows how to get to me.  He knows how to manipulate me and prey on my humanitarianism.  I am sure he wanted me to either a) invite him to my house (doubtful since he knows my mother would be present) or b) bring him leftovers.  I did not reply.  I took the high road.  Quite impressive coming from the recovering people pleaser if I do say so myself, lol.  But now I have been debating since Sunday if I should take him leftovers.  I know I should not.  If my mother found out she would berate me.  If my son found out he too would likely be upset.  I keep telling myself to remain strong (brain).  But then my need to help people takes over (heart).  But, would it really help him if I took him leftovers?  No, it would remind him that I can still be manipulated.  So, I am leaving this here on my blog to serve as a reminder to listen to my brain and not my heart.

I Hate Bipolar!

I HATE BIPOLAR!  I HATE BIPOLAR!!  I HATE BIPOLAR!  I HATE BIPOLAR!!  I HATE BIPOLAR!  I HATE BIPOLAR!!  I HATE BIPOLAR!  I HATE BIPOLAR!!  I HATE BIPOLAR!  I HATE BIPOLAR!!  I HATE BIPOLAR!  I HATE BIPOLAR!!  I HATE BIPOLAR!  I HATE BIPOLAR!!  I HATE BIPOLAR!  I HATE BIPOLAR!!  I HATE BIPOLAR!  I HATE BIPOLAR!!  I HATE BIPOLAR!  I HATE BIPOLAR!!  I HATE BIPOLAR!  I HATE BIPOLAR!!  I HATE BIPOLAR!  I HATE BIPOLAR!!  I HATE BIPOLAR!  I HATE BIPOLAR!!  I HATE BIPOLAR!  I HATE BIPOLAR!!  I HATE BIPOLAR!  I HATE BIPOLAR!!  I HATE BIPOLAR!  I HATE BIPOLAR!!  I HATE BIPOLAR!  I HATE BIPOLAR!!  I HATE BIPOLAR!  I HATE BIPOLAR!!

I have not cried in awhile, but here I am.  Sitting at my computer trying to work, but am too lonely and down.  Son has been just mentally off (more than usual) since Halloween….something with his girlfriend that day, I guess.  Today he couldn’t go to school because his anxiety was out of control.  He could not complete a project that he was due to present today so he was scared.  He is signed up for the SAT tomorrow, but he is refusing to go because he says he is not prepared.  Now he is yelling at me because his laptop is not working.  I don’t know what to say or what to do because we are back to the fact that everything I say or do is wrong.

Why did this medicine stop working?  Why did it have to affect my son?  How do I get through this? All I ever feel is that I am horrible mother who has failed my only child.  Please send prayers.

When Does It Quit Raining Sh*t?

Halloween used to be my favorite holiday.  Now, I don’t think I have any favorite holidays because they are very lonely.  Now that my son is older he does not participate in traditions (nor is he interested in finding new ones).  Plus, I am an only child.  And, of course, you all know I am going through a divorce (although holidays with him were never good anyway).  This was going to be my last Halloween before my son goes off to college.  If he truly does go to CT for school I am not sure how often I will see him (that blog is here).

Anyway… yesterday, Halloween, was a disaster!  Here are all the ways it went wrong:

  1. My son “fought” with his girlfriend and spent from 2pm until bedtime sequestered inside his room.  I did not see him except for the fact that he came down to retrieve his dinner.
  2. The bonfire and s’mores plan encountered myriad failures… a) the donated wood was wet and I couldn’t get it to light, b) I went to fetch the axe to split the wood only to find that the ex took it (who the F needs an axe when you live in an apartment??????), c) the neighbors who were to bring the marshmallows and roasting sticks (two different people) failed to show and did not even bother notifying anyone, and d) hardly anyone showed up (again, no notification).  I am tired of dealing with these fickle people!  I am tired of their inconsiderateness!
  3. Kids who do not live in my neighborhood were caravanning in (I get that some people don’t live in a safe area to trick or treat).  But most failed to even make any effort to dress up!  I expect that from older kids typically, but these were 5 – 10 year olds.  I was trying not to be aggravated, but my face probably showed it (good thing it was dark, huh?).

So, I am done holidaying.  Well, I wish I could be done.  I want to be done!  My mother is already angry that I am hosting both Thanksgiving (usually hers) and Christmas (usually mine) this year.  I am doing it because I can’t bring the puppy to her house and I am not going to kennel him for the holidays.  I wish I could just run away from it all.  I would, in fact, prefer not to celebrate Thanksgiving and I would like to holiday somewhere not at home for Christmas.  These are some of my last holidays with my son before he leaves me (ok, I know he is not really leaving me per se lol).  I wish my mother would understand how isolating these holidays are.  They leave me extra lonely.  Ho hum…

Crushed

Today my world crumbled a bit…ok, a lot.  I need hugs!  Ugh

I hate confrontation.  Beyond words.  And when it comes to my son it is exacerbated by a million.  I have needed to get some important information from him for some time now.  I am talking months worth here.  Do I procrastinate much?  Hell yes.  So, anyway, I have been avoiding asking him some things because I don’t think I could be prepared for the answers.  I was right.  I asked.  He answered.  Now, I am crushed.

So here is the big news.  After my son graduates from high school he is planning to move about 800 miles away to attend college and be by a girl he has never met in real life.  I have so many more questions now, and concerns, and more questions, and more concerns.  I am trying not o shit all over him.  I am trying to be supportive and understanding (at least on the outside).  I have to accept the fact that my baby will likely leave me even thought he always promised he wouldn’t (as recen as May 2018 by the way).

So, I am doing what I do best – organizing, preparing, planning, questioning (I think I am up to 85 right now lol).  If you were in my shoes what would you ask?  What would you want to know?  I am seriously struggling right now and am bawling my eyes out on the inside while trying to be calm, cool, and collected on the outside.  I need my WordPress family to help me hold it together!

Thank you in advance for any support!

Homeless

I know you guys don’t know all of me yet, but I have a very soft spot for homeless people (and dogs – another time for that lol).  I have been giving them money all of my life.  In fact, it even started with money whose was not mine lol.  I recall my first time quite clearly.  I was at a professional baseball game in my hometown.  I was about 8-10 years old.  Outside the stadium there was a guy playing a trumpet.  He had an open case below him and people were giving him change.  I asked my dad for $1.  He obliged (I don’t think he knew what I wanted it for).  I gave it to the homeless guy.  My dad did not say a word.

When we got home, my dad told my mom what I did.  My mom was furious at me for “throwing money away”.  I stomped to my room wondering how she could be so heartless.  She come upstairs and explained to me that they were likely alcoholics or drug addicts looking to make money for not nice things.  Well, how did I know that?  I felt good.  I felt like I helped somebody.  I didn’t care what she thought.

Fast forward 10-15 years.  The guy I gave the money to after the baseball game (and many games after) was there after every baseball game.  He eventually stabbed a guy for not giving him money.  He went to jail.  Of course, my mother had to call to rub it in about my bad choices.

Over the years, I have given a lot of money to homeless people.  I know they may not do with i what I hope, but that is not for me to decide.  It makes me happy to help (hopefully not enable) people.  Even if I live in la-la land.  So many shelters around here require the homeless to give up all of their belongings to enter. I could not imagine that!  Items they have worked so hard for or are sentimental and they may never see them again?  No!  They are ALL they have!  Some shelters say you have to be a proclaimed Christian. Why?  Wouldn’t God want to help all of his people?

Today, I gave a homeless man $3.  Three measly dollars…as I sit comfy inside a new car with a cell phone and at trunk full of groceries.  I have a roof over my head where I am going to garage my car and shelve the groceries.  This man had the bag on his back.  I have so much.  I told my mom over the phone what I did.  Maybe just to make her a little bit mad…maybe just to make her see she can’t break my soul.  She has always wanted to change things about me.  Tsk tsk tsk….

In any event, homelessness is real.  Homelessness is devastating.  Maybe I am trying to pay it forward so that if it ever happens to me I have good karma?  I don’t know, but I do know that this is a terrible epidemic folks.  I wish I could hit the lottery so I coud help them.  Do you know what is truly sad?  My parents played the lottery for the first time ever last night.  They did not win.  My dad said he should have just thrown his money down the drain.  I told him that he should have given it to a homeless guy (after telling him my story from today).  He scoffed.  I hung up.  Too much wrong in the world!

Peace and hugs to all!

Lottery

I am not a gambling person by any means, but I just had to get in on Mega Millions!  The pot was almost $1.6 billion.  So I bought two tickets.  One where I picked the numbers and one where I let the machine pick.  I matched one number – one, lol!  Here is the interesting part.  The winning ticket was sold just 5 miles from my house; 5!  Wow, what are the chances!  The Powerball jackpot for Saturday is now estimated to be $750 million!  So, of course I am going to buy into that.  How can someone pass that up!?!?  I will do two tickets again.  A whole $6 invested 🙂  I am a real big spender, huh?

A lot of people in my local area are talking about what they would do with that much money.  I have thought about it and I don’t think I would change much.  I would keep my job for sure.  I would help friends and family that need it (they would have to sign a secrecy agreement).  Boy, that would help with my son’s college tuition!  I would invest.  I would remain anonymous too.

What would you do with that kind of money?

Advice Needed

For those of you who don’t know, I have a 17 year old son that was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in August of this year.  We tried Lithium and the side effects outweighed the benefits so we recently switched to an anti-psychotic; Zyprexa.

He started out slow at 1.75 mg, then 2.5 mg, and now 5 mg on our way to 7.5 mg in a couple days time.  It was working great when we got to 2.5 mg and then he backslid.  He wasn’t as bad as before he started taking the medication, but definitely was not right.  That is why the psychiatrist recently upped the dose.

Anyway, he is “forgetting” to take his medicine.  If I do not take it to him at night, he may not take it.  First, I feel like he is old enough to be responsible for this.  Also, I travel a lot for work and am not necessarily home all of the time to “remind” him.  Honestly, I don’t think he forgets.  I think his “girlfriend” does not like when he takes his medicine because when he is well she cannot manipulate him.  I think she tells him not to take it.  Mind you, this is just a suspicion…it is not like I can come right out and ask him this.

Now, I understand that you don’t truly know me nor my situation, but if any of you are parents or have bipolar or have any idea what this is like, I ask that you please weigh in with your opinion(s) and thoughts on ways that I can address this.  It is imperative that he takes his medicine.  It is non-negotiable for me.  I don’t want to play the “I am the mother you are the child and will do as I say” card.  There has to be a better way.

Thank you in advance!  Hugs to all!

10 Fall Questions

I was tagged to post this blog by 

 

So here we go!

 

 

Questions

1. What is one candle you MUST light every fall?

No candles, I have 2 wax warmers and my go to scent is apple cinnamon.

2. When you think of fall, what does it remind you of?

The leaves changing colors – fall up in the northeastern part of the US.

3. What is your all-time favorite fall/Halloween movie?

The Halloween series.  I can’t wait to see the newest one next weekend with my son!

4. What Halloween costume do you have in mind?

None for me this year.

5. What is your favorite fall trend?

I am not sure that I have any “/

Want to know what my least favorite trend is? Pumpkin Spice. (this was lupiemomma’s, but it is mine too!)

6. When you think of fall, what drink comes to mind?

Black coffee with Bailey’s

7. What is your go-to fall beauty product? A must-have staple!

🤔 not sure I have a “fall” beauty product.

8. Do you prefer apple pie or pumpkin pie?

Apple – I have never eaten anything pumpkin!

9. Do you have any fall traditions? If so tell us all about them!

No

 

10. The moment of truth, is fall your favorite season?

I love fall, but it is probably pretty even between fall and winter.  I love yoga pants and sweatshirts!  But I also love a fire in the fireplace 🙂

Tag 5

The second step to this post is to tag five fellow bloggers to tackle these questions if they choose to do so.  Here are five blogs I enjoy reading:

anonymasaurus

drcolleen

janieleeds

Andrea B. MacIntyre

Positively Alyssa

Sabotage

I think I do this without even knowing I am doing it.  Deep down I know I deserve to be happy…well, I think I do.  Ugh, I am not sure of so many things right now.  Just when I figure one thing out the next thing sneaks up on me and smacks me upside the head and says, “Ha ha F you!”

I let my stbx and my ex step daughter get to me yesterday.  Why????  I was doing SO good!  There was no need for me to get back on the emotional roller coaster, yet I bought the ticket.  I guess I bought a whole damn book of tickets 😦  I broke down and took an Ativan.  I shouldn’t have because sometimes it reacts weird with my body chemistry and screws me up.  I KNOW I shouldn’t have, yet I still did.  I sabotaged myself….again!  Even worse, it was the night of the college fair.  On the drive there, my son could tell something was off with me.  I didn’t even notice by the way.  He said I was driving erratic.  Of course my pride emerged and denied it (again, sabotage).  We got to the place and he commented again.  I decided to take his advice and get us back home.  I even asked him to drive, but he refused.

When we got home, he asked if I took an Ativan and I admitted I had.  He knows Ativan messes with me and I also told him before that I would no longer take it.  So, there it is, I am a liar (again).  I betrayed him and our trust.  He left the house and is not speaking to me.  He has every right to be angry.  Any emotion he feels regarding last night is certainly justified after my behavior.

So why did I do it?  Why did I let those two clowns get to me when I KNOW BETTER?!?!  So now, the only person I have in this world is no longer speaking to me.  Great, lovely, this is just f’n dandy.  Feel free to bring the hate as I deserve it.

I can’t sabotage myself ever again.  How do I not do that?  Someone please fill me in on this elusive puzzle piece.  I deserve to be happy, dammit!  (By the way, I flushed the rest of the Ativan)

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