The Sum of My Parts…Are Not Equal to My Whole

I have been beaten, used, abused, lied to, cheated on, and tossed to the side.  But, this does not need to define my existence.

The emotional scars the past has left on my soul often do their best to weaken my spirit.  Some days it is difficult to remain steadfast.  Other days are filled with joy and promise of new beginnings.

This blog is intended to be a cathartic journey and serve as a reminder to myself that the sum of my parts are not equal to my whole.

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Bittersweet

Today is the official high school graduation day for my son.  He did not want to go.  I understand, but it makes me a little sad.  I was reflecting this morning on how many things mental illness has taken from him/us.  Everyone else is celebrating and I am over here having a pity party.  I need to pull out of this funk.  If you have time, please drop me a comment to cheer me up.  Many thanks!

Hugs, love, and peace to all!

Seriously?

So, my ex is supposed to give me a measly amount of money each month to cover his share of his cell phone (until December 2019) and a portion of his truck insurance (until the divorce is final).  So, he texted me about a week ago to say he would be late this month because he was bit by a Brown Recluse.  He even sent pictures.  But, here is the kicker, he admitted he is still working.  So…he can drive to and from work, but can’t drive here to give me a check?  I call BS!  He should know that I would have picked up the check myself from his place, if needed, as I have in the past.  So, my question is, what is the real story?  I can’t wait to be done with all of this!

Happy Memorial Day AND Blogiversary

Happy Memorial Day to all!  In remembrance of those who lost their lives fighting for our freedoms I wanted to share a poem that I came across:

Remember those who served before.
Remember those who are no more.
Remember those who serve today.
Remember them as we eat and play.
Remember our protectors-
who are not home today.
Remember them all on Memorial Day.

~Emily Toma – June 2014

Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/on-this-memorial-day

And also Happy 1st Blogiversary to me!  Crazy to reflect on how much has changed for me in a year’s time.  But the very best is that today I am celebrating it with my son who is finding himself again after being so lost.  I will continue to pray for guidance.  And I will continue to pray for all of my dear WordPress friends who are struggling.

Peace, love, and happiness to all on this very special day!

Unsolicited

***Rant warning***

Note to all guys… no one… NO ONE (at least in my age range) wants unsolicited dick pics. So, please, just don’t send them. And also, don’t get mad when we don’t reply to you ever again!

End Of A Chapter

Today marks my son’s last day of high school.  Just a mere 10 days ago I thought I was going to be losing my baby to the girlfriend in CT.  Today, as he finishes his last day of senior year, I am reminded how quickly changes can occur.

Sadly, he is not attending graduation.  And his future plans are as yet unknown.   We have been robbed of a lot this year.  No senior pictures, no graduation happiness, no yearbook, no party, just blah.  I am trying not to be sad though.  I am trying to focus on the fact that my son is at home.  Although he is still struggling with his bipolar (and probably always will to a degree) I am happy to report he is not suicidal; even with the breakup.  I hope that in time his heart will heal.  I hope that he will find balance in his life.  All I can do right now is to keep praying, continue to give him guidance, and support him.

This is certainly an emotional journey, but it is still a journey I get to be on.

Absent

I am sorry that I have been absent from WordPress.  Life has handed me so many ups and downs since my last post.  There were days that I wasn’t sure I was going to pry myself out from the depths.  There were other days where I was hopeful, but was cautiously waiting in the wings for the curtain to fall.  And then there were other where I spent an unfathomable amount of time with the suicide hotline.  In the end, here is where the chips have fallen since my last update (in order of priority):

  • My son’s girlfriend broke up with him and life has returned to a sense of normalcy.  I no longer live in fear of him moving or the emotional toll I knew it was taking on him.  This is my greatest gift!  My son has returned to me…intact.  Yes, he is hurting, but he too feels a sense of relief letting go of the stress and anxiety of that relationship.  He has a new future plan (which, of course, may change) and I am thrilled!
  • I had a breast cancer scare.  My routine mammogram came back abnormal.  I had to have additional images taken, an ultrasound, and eventually, a biopsy.  Thankfully, the mass was benign!
  • My dad has been having some health issues that hadn’t been present in a year 😦  They are called PVCs, or premature ventricular contractions.  I would really appreciate if you could send some prayers up for this.  He is also scheduled for back surgery on May 30th.  The doctor is hopeful that he can relieve his pain.  Extra prayers sure would be appreciated!
  • My ex has stopped talking to me.  Enough said; LOL!

Thank you all for reading.  I look forward to catching up with everyone!

I Am Sorry

Life has been just about impossible lately….

Son got his first ticket for speeding.  Good!

Son now thinks he is a Sociopath.  Not good!

I attended the funerals of two close friends this past weekend.  Not good!

Ex has asked me to go on two trips with him (WTF).  Not good!

I am angry and am grieving for my son all over again.  Not good!

I just have not had the energy to blog and I have not been reading blogs either.  I am so sorry that I have not been a faithful blogger or reader.  I am so emotionally spent right now.

Thank you for your patience during this most difficult time.

XO

Dead Inside

I am suffocating.  I have no more emotional energy.  I don’t know how I am still surviving.  I can’t write, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, and most times I feel like I can’t breathe.

The feeling when you are 500 miles away from home and your son is being self-destructive, angry, anxious, depressed, suicidal, and non-communicative.  I have no words for these moments.

The wild driving continues.  People are now commenting on our neighborhood facebook page every few days about it.  I am the HOA President.  People are judgy and angry.  There are too many stigmas over mental health.  But he is dangerous and I GET IT!

I don’t know what to do.  I am helpless to this.  I pray for guidance every single day.  Nothing has come my way yet.  Praying.  Hoping.  Losing faith.

Dead inside.

Suicide Watch

I spent last night, once again, on suicide watch (my son).  Two Saturdays in a row now.  I am thankful that both times he has returned home safe.  This is super nerve-wracking on me though!  Both times have been about the girlfriend.  Both times are situational.  These two are so scarily co-dependent!  I have never seen anything so tragic and I have no idea what to do about it.  At least night was only a two-hour ordeal instead of six like last weekend.  And, I had more piece of mind because I could keep live tabs on him through his car’s GPS that I activated last week.

Please continue to send prayers.

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