Surviving abuse
Today is the official high school graduation day for my son. He did not want to go. I understand, but it makes me a little sad. I was reflecting this morning on how many things mental illness has taken from him/us. Everyone else is celebrating and I am over here having a pity party. I need to pull out of this funk. If you have time, please drop me a comment to cheer me up. Many thanks!
Hugs, love, and peace to all!
So, my ex is supposed to give me a measly amount of money each month to cover his share of his cell phone (until December 2019) and a portion of his truck insurance (until the divorce is final). So, he texted me about a week ago to say he would be late this month because he was bit by a Brown Recluse. He even sent pictures. But, here is the kicker, he admitted he is still working. So…he can drive to and from work, but can’t drive here to give me a check? I call BS! He should know that I would have picked up the check myself from his place, if needed, as I have in the past. So, my question is, what is the real story? I can’t wait to be done with all of this!
Happy Memorial Day to all! In remembrance of those who lost their lives fighting for our freedoms I wanted to share a poem that I came across:
Remember those who served before.
Remember those who are no more.
Remember those who serve today.
Remember them as we eat and play.
Remember our protectors-
who are not home today.
Remember them all on Memorial Day.
~Emily Toma – June 2014
Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/on-this-memorial-day
And also Happy 1st Blogiversary to me! Crazy to reflect on how much has changed for me in a year’s time. But the very best is that today I am celebrating it with my son who is finding himself again after being so lost. I will continue to pray for guidance. And I will continue to pray for all of my dear WordPress friends who are struggling.
Peace, love, and happiness to all on this very special day!
Today marks my son’s last day of high school. Just a mere 10 days ago I thought I was going to be losing my baby to the girlfriend in CT. Today, as he finishes his last day of senior year, I am reminded how quickly changes can occur.
Sadly, he is not attending graduation. And his future plans are as yet unknown. We have been robbed of a lot this year. No senior pictures, no graduation happiness, no yearbook, no party, just blah. I am trying not to be sad though. I am trying to focus on the fact that my son is at home. Although he is still struggling with his bipolar (and probably always will to a degree) I am happy to report he is not suicidal; even with the breakup. I hope that in time his heart will heal. I hope that he will find balance in his life. All I can do right now is to keep praying, continue to give him guidance, and support him.
This is certainly an emotional journey, but it is still a journey I get to be on.
I am sorry that I have been absent from WordPress. Life has handed me so many ups and downs since my last post. There were days that I wasn’t sure I was going to pry myself out from the depths. There were other days where I was hopeful, but was cautiously waiting in the wings for the curtain to fall. And then there were other where I spent an unfathomable amount of time with the suicide hotline. In the end, here is where the chips have fallen since my last update (in order of priority):
Thank you all for reading. I look forward to catching up with everyone!
Life has been just about impossible lately….
Son got his first ticket for speeding. Good!
Son now thinks he is a Sociopath. Not good!
I attended the funerals of two close friends this past weekend. Not good!
Ex has asked me to go on two trips with him (WTF). Not good!
I am angry and am grieving for my son all over again. Not good!
I just have not had the energy to blog and I have not been reading blogs either. I am so sorry that I have not been a faithful blogger or reader. I am so emotionally spent right now.
Thank you for your patience during this most difficult time.
XO
I am suffocating. I have no more emotional energy. I don’t know how I am still surviving. I can’t write, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, and most times I feel like I can’t breathe.
The feeling when you are 500 miles away from home and your son is being self-destructive, angry, anxious, depressed, suicidal, and non-communicative. I have no words for these moments.
The wild driving continues. People are now commenting on our neighborhood facebook page every few days about it. I am the HOA President. People are judgy and angry. There are too many stigmas over mental health. But he is dangerous and I GET IT!
I don’t know what to do. I am helpless to this. I pray for guidance every single day. Nothing has come my way yet. Praying. Hoping. Losing faith.
Dead inside.
I spent last night, once again, on suicide watch (my son). Two Saturdays in a row now. I am thankful that both times he has returned home safe. This is super nerve-wracking on me though! Both times have been about the girlfriend. Both times are situational. These two are so scarily co-dependent! I have never seen anything so tragic and I have no idea what to do about it. At least night was only a two-hour ordeal instead of six like last weekend. And, I had more piece of mind because I could keep live tabs on him through his car’s GPS that I activated last week.
Please continue to send prayers.
I have no idea if this is common due to the impulsive nature of people with bipolar or if this is just teenage boy stuff, but omg, I cannot be in the car when my son is driving. And yes, I have lectured him over and over, but nothing changes. It is truly a harrowing experience!
He drives reckless:
All of this worries me every single time he takes off for the road, which is much too often (hours every day). He says that driving calms him. He says that he is more than capable of texting while driving (he is not!).
And yet he is a rule stickler in other ways… always uses turn signals, always stops when signs say to, won’t cut through parking lots, and a couple others. I just don’t get it.
He knows I can’t take his car away. And he tells me that he is surprised he has not been in an accident or gotten a ticket! W T F! I am seriously terrified for him!
Any tips or info from bipolar people out there? They sure would be appreciated!
Yesterday is another day that I would like to dismiss as ever existing.
My son had not taken his meds for two consecutive days. The half life of Zyprexa is 24 to 51 hours (odd range). I don’t know if that contributed to the following events, but I am sure it didn’t help. Everything always goes back to the girlfriend though. She broke up with him yesterday because she said he is a bad long-distance boyfriend. That is utter crap! He showers her with gifts bought with money has really doesn’t have. They are in constant contact. And I mean 24/7 constant contact. They even have the phone line open when they are asleep! They watch movies together online, play video games, talk, snapchat…all f’n day! (It is ridiculous by the way!) Anyway, I already wrote about how he wants to move there. Well, I told him that I cannot move, but I would help him if he wanted to. Well, she told him that he could not move up there by himself because he is just a child and cannot take care of himself. He told her he could learn (and he should). She said he couldn’t. (She is being very mean). Anyway, long story short, supposedly she broke up with him. Then, he blamed me because I won’t pack up tomorrow and move my life far away for him so I ruined everything. He became scarily suicidal. I was on the phone with the Suicide Hotline for 90 minutes. They were truly a blessing (for a change). See, he was not home all day. He was just out driving around. He started texting me some dangerous and horrible stuff and they actually helped me with some replies, gave me some sound advice in some instances, and basically listened to me spill my guts.
During that time I stupidly decided that my ex needed to step in (or, step up) and help (Why did I think this? I will chalk it up to me not thinking very clearly in my panicked state.) We arranged to meet last night. I was planning to tell him that his son needed him because he was going through a lot. And if he wanted to reclaim a relationship with his son that this would be the perfect time to reach out. Nope…as usual, leopards do NOT change their spots. He steered the conversation to him every single time. He was also very preoccupied with his plans he had for after our meeting. I learned all about how his rent is just too expensive but he bought another new motorcycle and a four-wheeler. When I tried to explain some of the day’s events with my son, he just said, “Take away his keys.” So, as usual, he is useless. I gave up and didn’t even bother asking what I originally intended. We parted ways after I paid the bill, of course.
Never again. Eyes are wide open. The conversation I had with him is just further confirmation that I have been making all of the right decisions for me and my son.
I have the GPS tracker turned on in my son’s car now and I will be alerted every time it leaves and arrives at the house. Also, I have a case reference number with Onstar for their immediate intervention if ever he is driving and suicidal again. I have the Suicide Hotline number programmed into my phone. Now, I just need to get my son’s eyes wide open such that he can see his girlfriend for who she really is. How? I don’t know yet. It seems like an impossible task because he clearly knows that she is wrong (we have talked about it), but he also thinks that there is no one else in this world for him. Please pray for a better day for us!
The Sum of My Parts 
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