Lies

We have all done it, I am sure.  I know I have.  My son is learning.  He and his girlfriend have weaved one of the biggest webs I have ever seen.  And I am basing this off of what I know.  I am sure there is more that I don’t know.  I hope I know more than I don’t.

But here is the thing… it is eating away at him, but he doesn’t realize it.  It is manifesting itself with physical symptoms (gastro issues) now.  I have been slowly trying to talk to him about it…trying to make him see.  He finally said he is willing to come clean with his therapist and try to get some real help.  He has an appointment on Tuesday.  Time will tell.  I think it is going to take several attempts on his part to “come clean”.

This doesn’t change the fact that tonight we are going to discuss his exit plan from here to be with his girlfriend.  This is not something I am looking forward to as you can imagine.  Anticipate more blogs regarding lol!  Ya’ll are my sounding board for the shitstorm that is my life!

Thank you for reading!

Mistakes

We all have made them, right?

My son is about to make, what I feel, is a terrible one.  There is no stopping him though.  In a way, I understand it, but on the other hand I am beyond devastated.

He wants to run away to be with his girlfriend because he said he cannot be happy nor live without being physically near her.  He said he cannot wait to finish high school.  If I don’t help him, then I know he is gone and I may not hear from him again.  If I do help, then I feel like I am enabling a terrible decision.  Either way I am going to be left beyond heartbroken.

If it had been me, in his situation, at his age (18), with a mental illness, feeling the way he does, I would have never even talked to my parents about it.  I would have been gone without a second thought.  I too would have been selfish.

He is my only child, my baby.  I know this does not matter to him.  I keep asking him to talk in person to work on details to do this “the right way” (if there is such a thing).  He wants to text.  Ugh.  I am not good at texting.  But I guess I will take communication any way I can get it, right?

Last night he was so distraught that he told me he was going to kill himself.  I was 3 states away.  I was helpless.  I texted what I thought could help.  I was ready to dial 911.  An hour or so later, he returned to asking me if I could get him a replacement charger.  Ugh, I am so confused.  Today, he is back to wanting to kill himself if he can’t be with her.

I am desperately praying for guidance.  If you would, can you please say a prayer for us?

Happy Valentine’s Day

I have writer’s block.  I actually keep a list of blog topics, but I can’t seem to get started on them.

So what has been going on in my life…

• Work is super difficult right now.  I am surrounded by idiots.  They are tripling the amount of work I need to do.  Deadlines are fast approaching.  As tasks are being worked, new ones are being added.  I can’t keep up.  I have traveled every week this year.  I put in 265 hours in January not counting the 5 days of vacation that I was supposed to have.  I am physically and mentally drained.  There is no end in sight.
• My son’s girlfriend is emotionally exhausting.  She outdoes anyone I have ever seen in the clingy department.  Their relationship is disastrous.  But, of course I have to keep my mouth shut so that makes it even more mentally exhausting.  Here is an example.  Last Saturday we drove about an hour or so to meet my parents for lunch for my mother’s birthday.   Then I had to fix something on her computer and we drove the hour back.  We were gone about four hours total.  His girlfriend could not handle that he was away from her that long so she didn’t speak to him for another five hours.  She claimed he abandoned her when she needed him.  I cannot wrap my head around that.  It was a family event.  They don’t occur more than once a month.  Just grrrrrrrrrr…….
• For the most part my son has been taking his meds.  He will typically go 8-9 days straight taking them and then he will miss a day.  In a month’s time he missed three days.  I am calling that a win.  They upped his Seroquel dosage on Jan 29th.  He started getting nosebleeds so I added a humidifier to his room.  It has been helping.
• Today is my mom’s actual birthday so I will give her a call around lunch time.
• My ex has been basically leaving me alone so that’s good.

It’s Happening

My son received his first college acceptance packet.  This is just surreal.  I know this is my shortest blog ever…I am just in shock.

Just A Smile

What I wouldn’t give to see my son smile again.  It has been a very long time.  It weighs my heart with sadness with every day that passes and still no smile.  There is so much good in this world and in his life.  I know that the bipolar disguises it all and I hate this for him.  I wish I could switch places with him.  Or, at the least, walk a day in his shoes such that I could understand the hell he lives in.

F U, Bipolar Disorder!

My Son and My Ex

I need to figure out if I continue to stay out of it or if I intervene.  Advice welcome.

Backstory:

My son is now 18.  His dad has never been a good dad whether we were together or not.  From the time my son was born, he was just tuned out.  He always made up an excuse like ‘I don’t want to break him’ when he was a baby to ‘I don’t know how to play with him until he can play sports’ when he was toddler to ‘I don’t know what to do with him’ as a child and so on.  So much time has gone by and their relationship is still non-existent.  Things came to a head on March 17, 2018, when my son texted him to ask if he could please stay home for once and not go out with his friends.  My ex replied that my son was not the boss of him.  That he is his dad and will do as he pleases.  His dad did not come home that night.  That is the last time my son spoke or texted with his dad.

Fast forward to yesterday:

My son finally decided to reach out to his dad.  I was happy because I have been encouraging him to do so.  He is internalizing so much and I know it is slowly eating away at him.  Well, he texted his dad because his girlfriend suggested it, not me.  But that is ok.  I wanted my son to tell his dad why he is so angry so hopefully he can begin to heal and not hang on to the anger.  (Yes, my ex is that clueless and has no idea why my son won’t talk to him.)  A few minutes after my son said he was going to text, my ex texted me.  He had forwarded my son’s text to me.  It was hurtful and awful.  Basically told him that he was never a dad and that he does not ever want him in his life again.  He made no mention of why he is angry; only stated that he is.  He told his dad that he is done.  My ex was shocked and grief-stricken.  He is once again implying suicide and he stopped texting me.  He has not replied to my son either.

Decision time:

I need to decide if I need to intervene.  I know I cannot fix their relationship, but I do feel like my ex deserves to know why my son is mad.  I also don’t want him contemplating suicide.  Hopefully, one day, my son will let go of his anger and change his mind about a relationship with his dad.  I know I can’t possibly understand how either are feeling, but I can’t help but feel like I need to fix this.  It is eating away at me too!  So, what do I do?

Just An Update

Yep, I am just blah.  I feel like I have not had much to say lately.  I have not been feeling inspired I guess.  Stress has been building so it is time for me to let some things go here:

• Still reeling from the text my ex sent me a few weeks ago saying he knows I don’t believe him, but he would do anything for me.  Does he really believe his own bullshit?  I was tempted to remind him of all of the things (not physical objects) I asked for that he never delivered, but I didn’t it.  I took the high road again.  Sometimes, taking the high road aggravates me!
• My ex step-daughter emailed me a couple weeks ago and wrote some really nasty things.  I have been waffling on how to react.  To date, I have again chosen the high road and have done nothing.
• I am swamped with work.  There are too many issues on the table right now.  Every time I get organized and develop a plan of attack, a new crisis du jour is thrown at me.  I have at least been given a new resource, but he has a steep learning curve as he just joined my group on December 1, 2018.  Also, my annual review is coming up in two days and I have, as usual, procrastinated and not yet written anything.  That is one of my goals to accomplish today.
• Talked to an old, dear colleague/friend last night.  We have stayed in touch periodically since we both were down-sized out of our jobs in 2006.  We actually haven’t talked in a few years despite my numerous attempts to reach him.  Last night he confessed that he was in a low place and was struggling with both opioid and alcohol addictions since 2005.  I got a sense of that several times in the past, even when we still worked together, but I had no idea the depths of his suffering.  It all started with a back injury and a subsequent knee injury.  Doctor over-prescribed…yada yada yada, I am sure you have all heard it before.  He has been working the 12 step program now for a few years.  He says he has been off of all opiods for three months and has never felt better.  He says he has no desire to drink.  He and his wife have reconciled.  I am sure it took a lot of courage for him to tell me all of this.  I told him I would always be here for support.  He did say one thing though that unnerved me.  He told me he still has a few drinks from time to time, but he doesn’t drink to get drunk and he doesn’t get drunk.  This doesn’t sit well with me.  Maybe Fit Recovery Blog, or anyone that has gone through this, can give me some advice of how to talk to him about it?
• And lastly, I am currently in NYC with my son. We came Friday for his 18th birthday.  It snowed last night and it is beautiful!  I hope he appreciates my gift 🙂

I hope you all are well and are enjoying a wonderful weekend. 🙂

Idiot

So, my ex texts me a couple days ago and says, “I know you don’t believe me, but I would do anything for you.”  I am still flabbergasted!  Seriously, like number one, don’t cheat on me??  Number two, be a present father??  Number three, be a good husband??  Omigosh, I have just been stewing on this for a few days and I still have no words for his stupidity.  Seriously, if he had stopped his nonsense from day one when I asked, then we would not be where we are(n’t) today!

Son Update

We went to see his psychiatrist this week.  He planned to finally be honest and tell her about the suicidal thoughts.  She did not even ask about them this time so he did not bring it up =/  It also seems that she forgets things we have discussed during previous visits.  One would think she would keep notes and review the summaries before she talks with us each time.  Maybe this is an incorrect assumption on my part?  I will continue to monitor this in case we need to change psychiatrists.  But, we did successfully get Seroquel/Quetiapine added!  I hope this will help with the depression he has been experiencing.

Most concerning though is the relationship with his girlfriend.  I know I have written before, but I honestly have never seen a more co-dependent couple in my life.  This has my scared to my core.  If she is up, then he is up.  If she is down, then he is down.  They must be in contact 24/7/365.  She is not being treated for mental illness, but I definitely see a host of issues here.  I have talked to him about it.  He knows it is not healthy, but he doesn’t know how to not “be this way”.  I have done my share of tongue holding in my time, but it has been off the charts lately.  I pray for patience and guidance daily (sometimes more than once).

Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!  I am off to the gym!

7 Days

Well, folks, I am writing to update you, but am hoping I do not jinx things in the process “/  My son has now taken his medicine 7 days in a row!  This is a record!  I am so thankful!  We have only had one bout of major irritability happen (maybe day 1 or day 2) and no panic attacks.  His sleep has adjusted and I feel peace for the moment.

Don’t get me wrong, I know bipolar is a roller coaster and things can change at any time, but I just want to say how thankful I am for at least this one week!  I want to revel in the joy when it happens and live in the present and not the future.  I am learning how not to be upset about “what could have been” and “what should be” and “what could be”.  This is hard for me.  I am learning and hopefully growing.

Tomorrow we have two college tours.  I am both anxious and nervous.  I also know that the Common Application is due January 1, 2019, and his essay remains incomplete.  But I am writing this here to let go and trust that what will happen is what is supposed to happen.  I am going to do my best to live in the moment and try not stress about what the future may or may not hold.

I don’t really believe in making any resolutions, but I am going to try to relax and let it go.

Cheers!